Friday, 28 March 2014

Kisses, Peace Pussy and the Nearly Naked Truth.

Hello! My name is Kerry, but people call me babble on, because I do.



So... No girl ever plans to utter the words "Actually, mum, I'm peddling my ass," to her mother, but I aspire to truth, and so had to have that conversation other day.  It went rather well, all things considered. Telling the boys has proven a little more challenging.

I did laugh the day I realized that my best option in today's crazy market is to peddle my best asset. You've gotta appreciate deep and meaningful irony when it shows up in your life, right? I get how acceptance is an important aspect of developing a peaceful heart, but this?

My whole life is a twisted derivative of Occam's Razor.

Yeah, the simplest solution.  That's me.  But doctors always love me cause I am an interesting specimen, so I am simple yet complicated. Ah, a paradox: how is it that I can be so incredibly dense and yet at the same time be so completely vacant? Hmmm? Speaking of paradoxes, isn't it funny how the truth can be right in front of your eyes, and yet invisible?  

                           That's what Peddling My Ass was for me, and that's a KISS list for you.

I promised you a Keep It Simple Stupid list, a go-to of the things I do to maintain my health and fitness.  The friend who asked me to write it knows that EVEN though I am sick, twisted and quite mutarded,  I am still strong and fit and I still get a lot done in a day. In the years I worked for Aurora, for example, I never called in sick.  Ever.

Because the KISS list works EVEN THOUGH.

makeaperfectassofyourselfie
Even though I've Made a Perfect Ass of My Selfie. And what the makeaperfectassofyourselfie proves is that as far as asses go, mine is far from perfect.  You see that??  It's still got road-rash on it from a run-in with some black ice early on in February, along with a little bullseye of spots from my core-activating seat cushion. 



It's a good ass, though, don't you think?  It's an ass you can count on, that one.  Strong and reliable, and good for the long haul.I do understand why it is that so many of the men I've met on Linked In are only interested in my ass, rather than the copy-writing and marketing skills I was originally peddling.  Yes.  It appears to be worth its muscle weight in gold, that ass.  Just remember the Hermetic Creed: 

As above,
So below.
As within, 
So without.

That arse has road-rash on it.  The body attached to that particular specimen usually has some sort of road-rash on it somewhere, cause it has hit a few serious bumps'n'bruises on it's myriad trips round the block. That arse has seen some serious trouble, and still it bounced back.  Everything on the KISS list, I learned cause I made a TON of stooooopid-arsed moves along the way and I survived em all. As the proud owner of every character flaw known to man, I've made pretty much every single, dumbass mistake a human can make. That's how I know how lucky, and that's how you know the KISS list really works.

That I am still here to experience places like this proves it.  

Jasper
No matter where you are at now, no matter how many bad habits you have, you can recover and regain a youthful, fit physique with the KISS list. I was quite overweight when I smoked, for example. I've lost a fair few stone in the years since I gave that up! Er... have you ever noticed how many fat smokers you see out there, and how many of them cling to the notion that cigarettes curb their appetites somehow?

Ridiculous. Whenever they give me that old line I always say


gofuckyourselfie
(In the nicest possible way, of course, cause really, a little onanism does a body good.)
It's not the cigarettes that do the trick, anyway. Sleep controls your appetite.
KISS. So simple.  You'll see.

The KISS list is simplicity itself, just plain old common sense, though I didn't come by it naturally.
Are you ready?
It's a mantra:

Move Bounce Purify Breathe Love a Lot Laugh and Sleep. 
Kisses for you, and for free, too.  :)  
XX
Barb Wood
Simple. And you know it's easy, because I can do it. I have every character flaw known to man, so if I can do it, anyone can.  It might look like I am dedicated and disciplined, but the simple truth is that I am a hedonist at heart. I make habits of doing the things that my body tells me are good for me.  Some naturopathic doctors use a technique called muscle testing.  Dr Hal Brown does.  He is awesome at finding what's going on in a body that way.  I do my own personal version of muscle testing, (another little thing I can share with you via video) and when I use it, my body tells me what is right and what works for me.  It's the Anti-scientist's way.

I'm gonna babble on and on about that KISS list because I want to make a difference in people's lives, and making a perfect arse of myself is something I know all about.  And besides.Linked in has been unequivocal.  Despite .  So you can have it.  You can hire it, or you can make your own.  I'll spill all of my secrets. I never diet any more, for example, cause that's just another name for self-deprivation. I love love love to eat, and I love love love to feed my friends, too.  So instead of dieting,  I make small changes to my habits, changes I can live with every single day, without feeling deprived.  It's easier that way.



The journey ahead might be a long one, but it's manageable when you take it one step at a time.

More than any of the other items in the KISS list, you'll hear me babble on and on about Purification,  That's because it's the one I struggle with most, being such a dirty girl, n'all. I am way too weak to give up my comfort foods and crutches lightly, so you know I've Kept It Simple there, too. I can't help it. It's what I do. That's why I want to share my favourite recipes with you. It's easy to eat superfoods when they taste superdelicious.

Babbliscious cheerios  with pecans, cashews, slivered almonds, hemp hearts, chia seeds and figs. Mmm...
My body made it clear one day that it had had enough of coffee. I cried. I sobbed like a child and wept and moped and mourned the loss of a beloved, dear old friend, but eventually time healed sorry, sad wound, and now I make a kick-ass almond maple silk matcha latte. That's whatcha call a tasty silver lining. My friends all love it, and maybe you will, too.  Your body will probably never tell you to gofuckyourselfie the way mine did.  Yours will probably never insist that you give up coffee or chocolate, and so you might never otherwise be driven to discover the gorgeous  flavour of matcha the way I was, but this way you get to taste the best of both worlds.

You already know what I think of our motor-vehicle-centric cities.  In my books, bikes are a no-brainer as a way of life, but you can still dramatically improve your health without one. 
JUST KIDDING!
Don't be silly.  Of course you need a bike.

 Movement as a way of life is not negotiable. Your body needs it like it needs air and water.  Stagnation is dangerous.  Why do you think a broken hip is a harbinger of death for so many elderly folks?  Because when you stop moving you start decaying.  Pneumonia sets in easily if you're not moving about properly. If you're any good at developing apps, make one that can tell you to get up and shake your tail feather whenever you've been sitting for thirty minutes in a row.  An app like that would definitely improve your health and wellness.  The most wonderful thing happens in the CBC Vancouver Radio studio every thirty minutes.  Someone in the building has a sound maker set to go off every half hour, and when it does, people all over the place reply with their own noise makers. Everybody jumps up and down and moves around, and everyone laughs!

Brilliant.  I love it.  :D

You've probably already heard the catchphrase "Sitting is the new smoking." There is a whole host of evidence underscoring the effect an active lifestyle has on the body.  The more exercise you get, for example, the less likely you are to develop Alzheimer's disease, the later you can expect its onset if you are going to get it, and the less severe it will be for you.  Scientists have also proven unequivocally that strenuous, long term exercise protects against the effects of ageing.  However you get your body moving, you have to move if you want to make the most of your health. You have to keep moving throughout the day, and you absolutely must sweat every day. Aaaaaaaaaaaaand the earlier in the day you manage to do it, the better off you are.

But you already knew that.
Chances are you already take pretty good care of yourself.  I've been a daily commuter for years, and with my need to watch my diet lest I suffer a nasty seizure, I figured for sure my bio-chemistry was pretty healthy.  So when Dr Brown asked me to chart my ph levels, the results surprised me.


I was quite acidic. You can get the litmus strips anywhere.  It's a good idea to take a close look over a few days, just to see where you're at.  I still test regularly, though these days, I'm cool.


It's an inexpensive way to see where you're at.  Your body will tell you how badly you need the KISS list.

You already know a lot about taking care of yourself, but  here's something most folks don't know:  the bounce bit really counts. Bouncing is key to boosting your immune function, because though the lymphatic system mirrors the circulatory system, it has no pump, only shunts. That means you are the pump.  I suffered from unstable knees for years and so I adapted a Kundalini yoga bounce movement to drain my lymph system without pain or strain, but really, anything will do.

What's the matter, don't you like that you have to move, sweat and bounce?
  

Honey, you can lick it. If you want to be healthy strong and fit, you know what you have to do.

Sure it looks silly, but it's important..  You have to bounce wherever and whenever you can if you want to support your body's best functioning..  I like to bounce a bit when I am up off the saddle climbing a steep segment and really pushing hard, and really, if you can bounce on a bike, you can bounce anywhere.  Climb stairs. Skip a rope, or jump on one of those mini-trampolines for a while. Jumping jacks do the trick, or you could even just head out for a super quick run. However you manage it, you simply have to move to stay well.  Your body will function best if you find a way to bounce a little and shake things up at least every thirty minutes or so.

Eagles above Richmond.  That's you flying high from the KISS list.
Sitting is the new smoking indeed... and STILL people SIT in their CARS and drive blindly on.  Sitting in cars is waaaaaaay deadlier than smoking ever was, and STILL people refuse make the connection between their poisonous driving habits and the problems we see across the planet today.  There's a big push for cities all over the place to ban smoking from parks and patios and all public spaces so that innocent bystanders aren't exposed to toxic cigarette smoke.  What a great and significant change! A few years ago, people used to smoke all over the place, including in hospitals and public spaces, but now you never really see people smoke publicly any more.  Smoking has become the exception to the rule, rather than the norm it used to be.

Cigarettes are waaaaay less deadly than cars. You can spend years in a smoky room full of burning cigarettes and still walk away, but you can't spend very long at all in there with an idling car. More people die from cars every day ... and STILL folks won't even begin to entertain to the question of placing any sort of restrictions on their freedom to drive anytime, anywhere.

Jeez people, get a life.  Ride a bike.  
It might not make you entirely happy at the start, the thought of giving up your car-centric beliefs...

AYHLMPC
but life has an amazing way of rewarding your efforts to overcome challenge with lovely silver linings, so suck it up, buttercup.  And besides, I'll happily share all of my silver linings with you so you don't have to spend tons of time in trial and error like I did.

Move Bounce Purify Breathe Love a Lot Laugh and Sleep. 

 I am going to give you another KISS tip now. Are you ready? This is an important tool which you can test out, starting today. If I could convince you to do one thing you probably haven't thought of which will really improve your health, it is would be this:  first thing in the morning, every morning, scrape your tongue clean with the flat side of a kitchen knife, rinse and spit, scrape again, and then drink as much water as you can.

Let's not get into exactly what that gunk on your tongue is just now, but suffice to say you certainly don't want to swallow it. After you clean your tongue off and have a big drink, try not to eat anything for a few minutes to give the water time to work its way down through your digestive tract.. This will kick-start your metabolism, and flush your organs.  I drink a full water-bottle first thing in the morning, every day without fail. I filter it and let it sit over night so the chlorine evaporates and it is at room temperature when it goes down.  I guess an hour is all it takes for the chlorine to evaporate, and the room temp thing is just my preference cause it's less of a shock to the system than cold water would be. Apparently hot water is best, but I like to rock and roll in the morning and don't want to spend time waiting on a kettle. Make a habit of flushing out your system every time you have an empty stomach, at least twenty minutes before you eat, if you can.

If you do it consistently, and even if you don't do anything else, this will improve your health. Watch what happens when you keep it up over time... you might be quite surprised!

Move Bounce Purify Breathe Love a Lot Laugh and Sleep.  
That's it. A teensy peek at Peace Pussy and the Naked Truth for you... 


Easy, right? Straight from my simple mind to you.

 Go on. Give it a go.

If you just bounce regularly every day, and do that scrape, rinse and flush thing for six weeks running, you will probably lose weight, all other things being equal, but that's not the point, anyway. Your organs will function more efficiently.  You will feel better, and you will have more energy, too.  I promise.  If I had charged you money for this advice, you would be far more likely to give it an honest effort, because you would place more value on it.  Isn't that funny? But it's true. Please do feel free to give me money.  If there is any justice in this world I will be a millionaire this time next year, because the KISS list is priceless.  It's true.

You can send cheques, samples, swag, donations and gifts to Kerry Guerin at 909 Station St, Vancouver, BC.  V6A 4J8.  Or you can click on the PayPal link at the bottom of the page. Wondering where your generous gifts are going? Don't buy into the myth of universal Canadian Health care.  We don't have Health Care here, we have Sick Care.  That means that the very expensive stem-cell prolotherapy which I need just to keep moving isn't covered.  What's a girl to do?

D'you figure I've lost the plot?  Do you think I must be mad to be peddling my ass on the internet like this? 

I've wondered the same thing myself. I'm the first to admit my family tree is chocka block with nuts, but the results of my market research have been unequivocal.  Besides, it's perfectly legal for a girl to offer her ass on the Canadian market now, you know.   And it isn't only for sale.  It's for lease, rent, short or long term contract, and just for general hire.

You get the point.  And the market has made its point.  As far as business ideas go, this loopy one where I peddle my ass has definitely got legs, but it's a bit awkward sometimes.  Like breaking it to the boys ... the small boy figured it was the best joke in the history of forever, and so he just laughed, as usual.   The tall one could see the bigger picture, and  so he gently shook his head, and worried a little, as usual.  But he knows that the degree he is after, the one which gives you with medical letters after your name, doesn't come cheaply, and so he didn't voice his objections, bless his bright and beautiful heart.


Test drive the KISS list for yourself ;
see how it makes you feel.

We haven't even begun to scratch the surface of the KISS list, but I had to get it out and get you started with the simplest and most important happy-body habits right away. Without delay.  DOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOIT.  Do it today.

Move Bounce Purify Breathe Love a Lot Laugh and Sleep.  

I am going to invite you into my home with video.  That's how I will share my favourite yoga poses, scrumptious living and easy cycling tips and tricks.  And food.  Yum.  I want to share my best go-to recipes with you. I want to give you my staples, the things which nourish me, body and soul.


I especially want to share with you the joy I've discovered, knowing that each and every day is a gift worth celebrating.

14 comments:

  1. Best update ever. Please post more often, and take lots of pictures!

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  2. who needs pH strips when you've got the greatest canadian, dr. wilder penfield?

    i smell burnt toast

    dancesonpedals

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  3. Fabulous,love this advice so much.Thankyou

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  4. Its content such as this that keeps me coming (on her) back.......

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  5. I love thus Blog.I have read it from start to finish to date.I worship this Woman.I want to bow down and kiss her stilettoed heels.

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  6. Good advice Babs - and of course: nice ass. No matter which way you peddle it or pedal it...

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  7. Hi !
    Yes, will definitely start to work some more of this into the routine. I already laugh a lot and I know from experience that the more sleep I get, the less hungry I am, and the less weight I seem to keep for a given amount of food.

    Good temps here now, biking more in earnest. Also, little slip ups here and there don't have to mean the end, just keep going and don't look back.

    Awesome read, will be back soon !!

    vsk / NYC

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  8. Great posterior -- er, post!

    The only problem is that you're preaching to the choir. This arcticle needs to be published in one of those supermarket mags/rags that proclaim "Lose 8 lbs. in two weeks" or the like. With an emphasis on your earlier smokin' hot, er, smoking, overweight life, and how KISS made you the physical goddess you are now!

    Thanks for this blog!

    -NHcycler

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  9. Getting worried Ms. Babble!! Are you OK?

    Haven't scene any spoken lately. I hope allz well by you!

    vsk / NYC

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    Replies
    1. Oh bless your heart! Yes, I am happy and well, thank you. I am working on a post which I had planned to post last Friday, but suddenly my computer needed some work and now I am playing catch-up.

      Also, I am building a website to peddle my ass, so this can go back to being the bike blog it's meant to be... it's very exciting!! :D

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    2. You can mix bikes with arse (yours!) all you want!! Velouria on LovelyBicycle put up a bib short selection guide for ladies with, ... Babble-esque drawings! hahaha

      All the best!

      Victor K.

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  10. VaporFi is the #1 electronic cigarettes supplier out there.

    ReplyDelete